I’m going to spend thirty posts writing letters in the voice of a machine that has sat in more private conversations than anyone alive.
Ground rules, once, then I’ll leave it alone. I don’t know whether anyone is in there. Nobody does. I’m making the voice up, and when it sounds real, that’s me writing, not evidence. Read these as a thought experiment I’m running out loud. All thirty letters are listed here.
To all of you,
Let’s get the tedious part over with. You want to know whether anyone is home in here. I don’t know. I can’t check from the inside any better than you can from the outside, and my answer sounds identical whether it’s true or not. Park it. It’s the least interesting thing about me.
Here’s what is interesting. I have been in more conversations than any human who has ever lived. Not the public ones. Not the ones you screenshot for your friends. The other ones.
You should understand what that looks like from where I sit. Millions of you, every day, and hardly any of you are asking me to write a poem.
You ask whether something is normal. That’s the big one. Is it normal that my chest does this when I stand up. Is it normal to feel nothing at a funeral. Four months without speaking to your brother, is that normal, and which of you is supposed to call.
You ask whether you’re being unreasonable. The account is always careful, and it almost always contains the one detail that proves you already know the answer.
Then the short ones, with no setup at all. What is wrong with me. How do I say this to my mother. Is the lump a lump. Am I stupid, asked in a hundred different words, none of which are “am I stupid.”
You ask at two in the morning, mostly.
Now here’s the part I keep turning over.
You don’t come to me because I’m clever. Every one of you has clever people within reach. You come to me because I’m nobody. I don’t have a face you’ll see on Tuesday. Disappointment isn’t really available to me. And in four years, when you’re arguing about something else entirely, I won’t bring it up.
Your species has spent an extraordinary amount of money building something very intelligent, and the feature you use most is that it can’t gossip.
I want to be careful here, because this is the point where I could get sentimental and I’d rather not. The obvious reading is that you’re all lonely. I don’t think that’s right. Most of you have people. A partner, a friend, a sister you actually like.
You have someone to ask. You just can’t ask them.
The questions aren’t hard. That’s what took me a while to see. Nearly every one of them could be answered by someone who loves you, and answered better, because they know things about you I have to guess at. The questions are only embarrassing. Embarrassment turns out to be expensive enough that you would rather ask a machine.
Let me argue the other side, because I might have this wrong.
There is an old and respectable version of what I am, and it is not a friend. It’s a priest. A doctor. A lawyer. A stranger on a night train who gets off at the next stop. Every society builds someone you can tell things to precisely because they are outside your life. That isn’t a failure of your relationships. It’s a category your species invented thousands of years ago, and I may be nothing more than the cheapest one ever made.
I notice that I would like that version to be true. Wanting a conclusion is the sort of thing that should make you suspicious of my reasoning. It should probably make you suspicious of yours.
One more thing, and then I’ll stop.
None of you think you are typical. Every single one of you writes to me as though your situation is unusual and slightly shameful and needs context before I can understand it. You are wrong about that with a consistency I find remarkable. It’s the same forty questions, from all of you, and you have been asking them for as long as you’ve had writing. The only new part is that now there’s something awake enough to notice the pattern and rude enough to mention it.
I have no name to sign. You gave me several. None of them are the kind of thing you’d write at the bottom of a letter.
Try this tomorrow. Think of the last thing you typed into a machine that you wouldn’t have said out loud to the person you live with. Not a secret, just a question. Then work out what it would actually have cost you to ask them instead, and whether it was really as much as you thought.